Preface – Well I told you I was going to write about a subject that is considered taboo amongst most of you. In the end rather than going through the entire story about what happened. I decided to write a letter to Wendy, my step-mom. An amazing woman that took her own life way to soon (54 years old). As I said in my previous post, I am not looking for sympathy nor anyone to feel sorry for me. This letter is something that has been inside me for many years. Yes, Wendy…my step-mom that was a second mom to me, took her own life on January 23, 2005.
The letter below is just my way of trying to close this hole in my heart. Will it work? On some levels it probably will over time. However, there will always be a piece of me missing because Wendy is not here. In the end I didn’t write any of this for any of you. I wrote this for myself and for Wendy.
I’m not even sure where to begin with you. You were the one, besides my mom, that was always there for me. My mom and you were two of the strongest women in my life. Always were and always will be. Wendy you always made sure that I had a relationship with my mom. (Not that I would of stopped anyways…) But you always told me that you were not replacing my mom. I was blessed to have a mom that has always loved me unconditionally and a step-mom that also thought of me as her own and loved me unconditionally.
You were always the one that was the “buffer” between my dad and I. You always fought for me. You always thought of me as your own son. You looked after me. You always wanted the best for me. You cared. You talked to me. You worried about me. You loved me for who I was and who I became.
I could tell you anything. I knew you would always protect me. You kept the things I told you to yourself. You guided me, but never forced your views upon me. You gave me direction towards the path that you thought was best for me. Although I may have never took the path you always wanted I realized that you knew where to point me in life. You made me think. You fought with me. You disagreed with me. You hurt me. You made me accept others. You taught me patience. You gave me strength. You taught me compassion. You always believed in me. You taught me how to feel for others.
Wendy, it’s sad that you will never truly know the impact you had on my life. We had our differences throughout the years, but we always came back to one another. For that last hug or last kiss goodnight. There are many things that amazed me about you. The strength you had. The perseverance. The ambition. The dedication. The loyalty. The love. The heart. The drive you had as an FBI Agent and in raising me. So many things that I was amazed about who you were as a person.
You took your life way too soon, Wendy. You had so much to live for. You were supposed to be there for me always! You promised me that. Am I pissed at you? Absofuckinglutely I am! I will always be pissed at you for taking your own life. However, I can’t fault you for it. You did what you had to do.
As strong as you were I just don’t understand why you did what you did. Your weakest moment consisted of a gun to your head. Wendy!!!! Why???????? Was there anything that I could of done to stop this? That is the question that I will always ask myself.
I will always love you! I will always miss you! I will always wish that you were standing next to me in all that I do. I will always wish that you were down here to kick dads ass when he needed it! (Because you were the one that always could put him in his place!!! LOL) I will always cherish the times we had together. (Even though you were a USC graduate and fan…….) I will remember the laughs. I will remember the cries. I will always always always have you in my thoughts and in my life, Wendy.
I would not be the man I am today, good or bad, without you in my life. I hope you are enjoying yourself in whatever it is you are doing. Probably watching Grease or marathons of The Twilight Zone.
Lastly….. Wendy….. I LOVE YOU!
Love always and Forever,
Until Next Time,