So yes I like to cuss, swear, drop “f bombs”, tell it like it is. If you find foul language offensive or immature then I suggest you click that “X” in the top right hand corner of your screen. This is what I do. Love it or leave it.
Alright my friends get the popcorn ready…..Grab your favorite beverage (preferably one that contains alcohol)….sit down…hold on..and read this next post…..So you’re wondering at this point what you’re getting yourself into by reading this. If you have been reading my blog then you know that you really should “expect the unexpected!” Then again most of the things I say don’t really shock you anymore. I guess I will just have to change that…..
The following consists of my reaction to “Marie Claire’s” little gem of a list entitled “20 Secrets Men Keep.” Now this is going to be an on-going series. I will start with #1- #5 tonight. (For the record…. I personally think these girlie magazines bait guys to get them to answer the way they want them too… just saying!) So with that, my friends, I give you my next glorious post:
#1 “We like to cuddle. Cuddling is all about mood and ambience. It’s peaceful to lie in someon’s arms in the dark with great music or even the loq buss of the TV (although that tends to distract me) in the background. It’s nice to hear nothing but your lover’s breath against the backdrop of the evening or early morning. Holding someone close in bed also makes you feel secure with one another and the relationship.”
#1 My reaction – Yes it’s true. Men like to cuddle. I like to cuddle. However, come on Marie Claire who the hell did you pick off the street that you got this little gem from. Did he even have a set of balls? Better yet. You probably cornered some guy that was walking with his girlfriend/wife/girlfriend and wife and asked him if he liked to cuddle. Cuddling is NOT about mood and ambience. (Well ok if you are pissed off I really wouldn’t suggest cuddling with anyone or anything for that matter…ohh shut up you sick bastards get your mind out of the gutter! LOL)
The part I like about cuddling, snuggling, spooning, whatever the fuck you want to call it is the closeness of it. The only reason I want to hear your breath is just to make sure that you’re still alive……Now I can’t say that holding someone close in bed really makes me feel secure because rest assured I have “cuddled” with a one night stand before and there was nothing about that that was “secure”! LMFAO
#2 We think we are good in bed. Men are taught that confidence solves just about anything. You can be making a total mistake, but as long as you\’re confident, it will turn out okay. This may explain why we are so clueless at what we are doing in bed, but we act like we know.
#2 My reaction – Alright this is an age thing here. When a guy is in his 20’s he’s still trying everything he can to please his girl. Perhaps some men don’t get it even when they are in their 30’s. However, if you are in your 30’s and you still have no clue what to do with a woman then please do all of us a favor, men and women, become a monk! Real men aren’t “clueless” in bed, we just need a little guidance from time to time. (Remember guys don’t read minds. If you want us to do something then either a) take our hand, mouth, etc and guide it there or b) just fucking tell us what you want. 99.9% of the time we will follow your lead)
For the record….I know what I’m doing. It comes from confidence…No really I swear. I really do know what I’m doing. Ok ok perhaps I have some idea of what I’m doing…..yeah I didn’t think you believed me…I really have absolutely no clue as to what I am doing….:P
#3 Heavy makeup is a turnoff …. I’ve always been the type of guy who appreciates a natural look as it is, and when a girl does her makeup well, the results can be magical. But the one thing that should never happen is excessive application: too much, too many colors, or if it\’s just a botched attempt at a good makeup technique. Seems like as time goes by, makeup makes like the earth and erodes and changes with weathering. There is nothing more ghastly than makeup run amuck in the morning after spending the night together.
#3 My reaction – Ok this one is pretty straight forward. Ladies please please please lay off the makeup. I don’t want to go out with you if it looks like you are getting ready for a Halloween party. In all likely hood I am probably not even going to talk to you if you look like and Avril Lavigne trainwreck. Think about it ladies…I want to be attracted to you because of your natural beauty. Not something that you paint on every day. Whats the old saying….”Less is more”…. In this case absolutely it is……
#4 We put pressure on ourselves to get married. Women tell me that they feel more pressure to settle down because they can’t have children as easily past a certain age. I don’t feel pressure in that sense, but I do fear that my appearance and my “game” (not that either are working for me presently) will fade as I get older. It’s fun being one of the few guys in my group of friends who hasn’t yet found love, but at the same time I wonder what is wrong with me…and I’m trying to decide if time is running out. I’m so far behind, I can’t imagine being asked to meet on Sunday for brunch by a girl I’ve dated for a month, much less having a child or being married.
#4 My reaction – Alright ladies yes it is true guys do think about this. Perhaps not when they are in their 20’s. However, you reach my age at 35 and its an entirely different story. It’s not that I am desperate to get married. At some point I enter the, “Ok you’re 35 years old, no kids, and have never been married…so whats wrong with you?” phase. I’m really not worried about my appearance or my “game”. (Simple fact of the matter is I have no “game”!…LOL) Is time running out? If I want any mini-Chads running around then yes time is running out, but for the time being I’m good at where I am at. (Come on now can you imagine ME taking care of a child or children???? I do have a twin gene in my family…..ohhhh crap! that is not good!)
#5 We want to bail the morning after a one night stand. Do not linger in bed hung over. I’m foul when I’m hung over, so I am sure others are too. You can’t contaminate someone’s bed with that. Do everything you can to get home and fester in your own bed. People have things to do over the weekend. Give each other a hug, wish each other well, don’t say anything about calling, and don’t believe him when he mutters that he will call you.
#5 My reaction – Ok. This is a touchy subject. I have a feeling I may piss off some girls on this one. My apologies in advance ladies…… It really isn’t about me being “foul” when I’m hung over. I’m a professional I rarely get “hung over”. However, if we do wake up next to each other or on top of each other….Please understand what this was. We met at a bar, we said hello, I bought you a few drinks, we were drunk, and we had a one night stand. This isn’t the time to start thinking about bringing your tooth brush over to my house. This isn’t the time to start looking at my dresser and figure out what drawer is going to be yours.
We’ve reached that moment in the day that you start questioning what happened the night before. You text me and tell me I’m an asshole. Yes I get that. Perhaps I am. But remember sweetheart…..It takes TWO to tango, or in this case, do the horizontal limbo. So if you decide that you really want to get laid please remember that you are the one with the power…(come on now you know it….it’s called P*ssy Power…..LOL you call the shots not me!) And remember its a ONE NIGHT STAND……It’s not a 48 hour stand…It’s not a 72 hour stand….It’s ONE NIGHT AND ONE NIGHT ONLY! Now get out of my bed!!!! LOL
So there you have it….#1-#5 of Secrets Men Keep….and my reaction to them. These are just my opinions. Love them or not this is what you get from me.
Moral of the story…. All of the above is for entertainment purposes. It’s to sell magazines. It clouds the judgement of all of us. Be who you want to be. Stop being someone you are not! Be true to yourself and those that mean the most to you. Make yourself happy. Live life for yourself first and foremost. If you have children live your life for both of you. Share with them. Learn with them. Teach them. Love them. Do all of those things not only with your children, but with your friends and family. We are only here for a certain amount of time. Some of us longer than others. Make the most of what you got and live life to the fullest. Stop and smell the roses….and if need be tell someone to f*ck off from time to time! (You’d be amazed at how good it makes you feel…LOL )
Until Next Time,