Happy Holidays to all my friends near and far. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Feliz Navidad, and if I forgot you I apologize in advance…….Regardless of what holiday you celebrate remember that we are all on this thing we call Earth one time and one time only. There is no time for hatred. There is only time for love, respect, kindness, and laughter. I hope that I bring a little bit of each to all of you.
LIVE IT UP! DRINK IT DOWN! LAUGH IT OFF!
And without further adieu I give you my “Dear Santa” letter.
I really am not asking a lot of you this Christmas. I realize that you are extremely busy this time of year. I know that you have millions upon millions of children that you need to visit around the world. However, you can’t forget about us adults that still believe in you! Why wouldn’t I, a 35 year old man, believe in you? I mean after all you have not aged a bit since I was a kid, you’re overweight, you play with little elves, you have flying reindeer as your mode of transportation, you only eat milk and cookies, and you have worn the same red suit for as long as I can remember. Oh and somehow you fit your fat ass down chimneys around the world that even the skinniest person in the world couldn’t fit down.
Speaking of chimneys…. What in the world do you do when there is no chimney? I don’t have a chimney here at my house! Why? Well, you jack ass, I live in Florida what the fuck would I need a chimney for anyways? Alright enough about chimney’s because I really don’t need to know how you do what you do. Let’s get on to why I am writing you.
First off lets get this out in the open. I would like to tell you that I’ve been nothing but nice this year. However, that’s just not possible. I’ve had my moments of naughtiness. And let me tell you those were some damn good moments too! I guess I’ve probably been more naughty than nice throughout the year. (What kind of fun could I have if I was always nice?)
I will spare you the details and just tell you that, Santa, you would be proud of some of the things I have done. (Now I really can’t say that my mom would be proud, but you….yes you would be very proud.) So with that being said I still have something that I would like you to bring me. Of course I realize that it is short notice seeing as though Christmas is only 10 days away. So you don’t have to deliver it on Christmas day, but just let me know approximately of when I will get my present. Now you probably should sit down for this request……
Santa, I want “The One”. You know that one that all of us are searching for. See you have Mrs. Claus. Well I want my “Mrs. Claus.” (Except I don’t want her to be ummmm big boned like Mrs. Claus. No offense of course!) Here’s my list:
1. She needs to be intelligent: I’m not talking just book smart. She doesn’t need to be a doctor, a lawyer, etc. (Although I wouldn’t be against any of that especially the lawyer thing because with my track record I may need one sooner than later.) I want her to be able to discuss the world. Have thoughts, beliefs, and convictions about this world that we live in. I want her to have an opinion on what is going on around the world and within the United States. Her opinion does not have to agree with mine, but at least someone that can argue, debate, talk about what they believe in. Someone that isn’t afraid to speak her mind even when her opinion may be against the norm. (We all know my opinion is against the norm and it tends to piss most of my family off…or as they say “They just don’t understand where any of these beliefs come from because I wasn’t raised that way.” Correct I wasn’t raised that way and I wouldn’t change the way I was raised…It’s called opening my mind and my eyes and discovering new ways of thinking….)
2. She is sexy/attractive/hot/beautiful/gorgeous in my eyes: We all have different tastes on what we find sexy. (Santa apparently you like them big and round. Well me? Not so much.) I’m not expecting a Victoria Secret model or a Frederick’s of Hollywood model. (Although that would be really nice if you could swing that for me.) In my eyes, “The One” would be my own model and I would believe that she could be all of those things. I don’t want her to be the “trophy” in my friends eyes, because to me she would be that and so much more. I would think that she is beautiful when we woke up face to face in the morning. When she’s sitting there with no make up on and wearing nothing but my dress shirt. I would think she was sexy when she’s sick in bed with kleenex, vicks vapor rub, and a bottle of nyquil. I would find her gorgeous after she got home from the gym (because she will belong to a gym! LOL) all sweaty from working out. In the end she doesn’t need to be sexy/attractive/hot/beautiful/gorgeous to any one else but me. (Although it would help if others looked at us together and thought to themselves, “How in the hell did he end up with her?”) (Oh and Santa if you find her sexy/attractive/hot/beautiful/gorgeous could you please keep your hands off her you old pervert you!)
3. Needs to either be a football fan or understand what football season means: Now if you could find “The One” that loved football then I would be willing to give up a lot. (I’ll have to get back to you on what I would actually be willing to give up…) However, if that is not possible then she needs to understand what football season means. This means that from the first weekend in September through the first weekend of January all Sundays are already spoken for. (The football schedule is also up for adjustment after Thanksgiving as there will be games on Thursday nights and Saturday nights until the regular season ends) This means there will be no road trips, shopping excursions, company/family coming to visit (unless said company was coming to watch football). This also means that we will always have DirecTV with NFL Ticket. This means we will have a large flat screen with multiple smaller flat screens so that I (we) can watch multiple games at one time. Also on Thanksgiving Day regardless of what teams are playing, there WILL BE football on television. Once the playoffs start there will be some weekends that Saturday and Sunday are spoken for. She is free to either join me during football season or she can have Sunday girls day. If she chooses to participate in Football Sundays she must understand the game of football. If at all possible she CANNOT be a fan of the following teams: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS, DENVER BRONCOS, KANSAS CITY CHIEFS, SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS, or NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. If by chance she is a fan of the above teams there will be limited amount of space allowed for things associated with said teams. And last but not least the OAKLAND RAIDER games will always supersede any game and any team that is on television.
4. She must enjoy time with her girls and allow me time with my boys: Now Santa we are both grown men. You understand the importance of hanging out with your boys. Well in your case, you understand the importance of hanging out with midgets….little people…vertically challenged….elves whatever you call them…. I want “The One” to be able to have time with her girls so that it allows me time with my boys. We can both go do our own thing and not feel guilty about doing this. I don’t want it to be where she is texting me or calling me throughout the night wondering what I am doing. (Now of course I reserve the right to call or text her to see what she is doing. Yes I know its a double standard. Although I trust her I just do not trust the douche bags that she will probably be around at the bar. Because before I met her I was one of those douche bags drooling over her without her knowing it.) I think it is important that the two of us have time away from one another. Now of course on some occasions we can bring girls night and boys night together, but only if all parties involved agree to this.
5. She needs to be able to express herself (in bed): Now Santa for as long as you have been with Mrs. Claus you have to understand the importance of this one. At times things may get a little “vanilla” and you would like things to be spiced up. I want “The One” to be comfortable enough to tell me things that she likes. Things that she may be embarrassed about, but she is willing to tell me so that I can please her. Sure there may be times that I will say, “No, thats just not going to happen.” However, it won’t ever hurt to ask. In turn I would hope that I could tell her things that I like or would like to try if it hasn’t been done yet. It’s really not to much to ask for. She needs to understand that I find her sexy/attractive/hot/beautiful/gorgeous no matter what happens or what she asks or what we do. (And Santa get your mind of of the gutter you sick man!)
In closing, Santa, I do realize this is a lot to ask for. If you cannot provide this for me I truly understand. I promise that I won’t stop believing in your fat ass. I will continue to write you a letter each year in hopes of getting the things that I want. I just want someone that will always be faithful to me, honest with me (good or bad), caring, and love me for who I am faults and all. If you can’t deliver this to me then all I want is a case of Newcastle.
Until Next Year,